Yoga, I have missed you. With every muscle, bone and cell in my body.
While I have been practicing yoga at home and occasionally going to yoga events in the park or classes at the YMCA, I haven’t stepped foot into a yoga studio since we moved to Denver. Why? I don’t have a good answer for that. I still wanted to be doing yoga, but going to a new studio? Yikes! Scary. No one will like me. I won’t ‘fit in’ in the yoga community here. I’m not good enough. It’s too expensive. Yadda, yadda, yadda. The list goes on. I think FEAR and/or missing my home away from home studio in MN, Green Lotus, was holding me back. I was worried nothing else would compare. How silly is that? It’s ridiculous, but these were the stories I kept telling myself.
I haven’t been teaching regularly either. At first I planned to take a break from teaching. To settle into my new state. To explore. To have more time. To breathe, relax and just have ONE job for the first time in my entire adult life. It was much needed and it felt good. However, I eventually started to miss teaching and the break I was taking didn’t feel so good anymore. But starting over in a new state? This felt completely terrifying and impossible.
When I found yoga it was the first time I found ME. I have never felt more at peace with myself on every level. I was home. When I started teaching yoga it was the first time I felt like I was right where I belonged. Teacher training was amazing and terrifying, but it completely changed my life. I found my purpose. I opened a whole new world of opportunities and possibilities. Teaching yoga became my passion. My life. I LOVE teaching with my entire heart and soul.
While my love and passion for all things yoga (as a student and a teacher) has never wavered, I still somehow lost my way. But it’s okay.
Life has seasons.
It’s okay (and important) to listen to what we need and honor that. It’s okay to let go of something temporarily if we need to, but it’s also a slippery slope. If we’re not careful…hopes, dreams and ideas can fade away and we become comfortable where we are and stop going after the life we are truly meant to be living.
I’ve learned that the longer you put off doing something, the easier that something is to continue avoiding. You put it in the back burner, you “forget” about it. You pretend that you don’t think about. (But really, it’s all you think about.) Before you know it, this something becomes so big, scary and guilt-inducing that it feels impossible. It paralyzes you. You feel stuck. This is a scary place to be. If you haven’t guessed it already, my ‘something’ is practicing yoga regularly and wanting to teach again.
Over the last several months I have been feeling called to teach, deep in my bones. I love teaching and I know it’s what I was put on this earth to do. I did some teaching at my current job when in office and I did a series of yoga office videos for my co-workers. I also recorded some meditations for myself and for friends. These things have been amazing and are a good way to ease back in, but I still want more. Yet, here I am, still not teaching like I want to be. So what’s the hold up? Fear is a bitch, I tell ya. It’s really good at holding on and making you believe all sorts of foolish lies.
While I sometimes feel guilty about how much time has passed (which was never part of my plan)….I am trying to honor the choices I made and to not worry about what I have or haven’t done. Everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t change a thing. However – I am ready to move on. It’s time to move FORWARD into what I want NOW. To focus on the life I want to create and what I know is possible. I am ready to let go of the fear that keeps holding me back and to start making choices that will get me where I want to go. I want to start building my business. I want to write. I want to teach yoga. I want to practice yoga. I want to share. I want to inspire. I want to do reiki. I know I can do this. The solution? Awareness, brutal honesty and feeling the fear and doing it anyway. No more playing it safe or small. I know what I want and I know what I have to offer. I also know I am the only thing standing in my way!
I slowly started taking baby steps. First step was to start really tapping into my mind, body and soul awareness. I started to journal again and started meditating more regularly. I took an online mediation course and some in person meditation and manifestation workshops. As my awareness grew, I started making different choices. I started being more physically active, eating more fruits and vegetables, and drinking more water. I started reading inspiring books again. I started putting myself out there. Meeting new friends. I joined an online yoga studio. (Yes, baby steps. It was online, but it allowed me to be LEAD by a teacher regularly, which is something I desperately needed.) These choices have all allowed me to become more clear about what I want and what I need, what I want to manifest, and what I want to create. I am feeling more like myself and I KNOW I’m moving in the direction.
Case in point: In the last two days I took a yoga workshop with Gina Caputo (Yogini On The Loose) in Boulder and TWO different yoga classes at Kindness Yoga here in Denver. I feel more awake, alive, aware and INSPIRED than I have in a long time! My plan for the summer is to explore different studios, one month at at time. To immerse myself in the yoga community, to practice yoga regularly again, to meet people, and to figure out exactly what I want to do and how to make it happen. I have big dreams. I even already have some stuff in the works!
I am ready for the “yoga-less” season of my life to be over. This is my declaration to the world that I am done letting fear stop me. I’m ready to let go and dive in; wholeheartedly and head first.
Yoga, I’m back and I am here to stay!